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Ren.Callidus
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Join date : 2008-09-22
Age : 26

PostSubject: Missed Opportunities   Wed Mar 05, 2014 3:17 pm


The black silk of night shielded my eyes,
the king of time disporting on my wall.
I am a squirrel in a trap,
praying for dormancy.

Between hemispheres lightning arced,
the symphony has begun.
A melody of darkness portending,
I play an accompaniment of reflection.

If I could restart my game
knowing the mechanics,
how much further could I get?
Far enough to escape my wastefulness?

Possessed by imperfections
I retreat to fantasy.
By day ever dithering,
by night ever wanting.




This is the first Draft. I need to work on it a little bit. Any suggestions on things i can add or drop? Thanks!
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Wyatt
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Location : Albuquerque, NM

PostSubject: Re: Missed Opportunities   Tue Mar 18, 2014 11:25 am

Alex! I'm very glad to see you writing again.

Here are my comments on your poem:
Pros
-The message and emotions are really clear. You do a great job of expressing exactly what you mean and feel. Themes of wasted time and perfectionism are well communicated.

-I think you have some really interesting imagery, especially in the second and third stanzas. I think combinations of images can sometimes be powerful too, as in the case of the lightning and the symphony.

Cons (Hopefully constructive!)
-The major thing I would like to see is for you to use fewer images, but expand on the ones you have. For example, you could spend the whole poem using the images of a storm and a symphony, and flesh them out. I think you have good things that just need to be expanded on. If you have too many different images it can become difficult to picture in your head. Imagining a squirrel in a trap immediately after a king on a wall is difficult to grasp.

-I would change the word 'begun' in the second line of the second stanza because it kinda rhymes with 'reflection'. I think the poem would sound better if it stuck to either a rhyme or no rhyme.

Again, I enjoyed the poem and am excited to see what comes next!
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Ren.Callidus
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PostSubject: Re: Missed Opportunities   Thu Mar 20, 2014 1:06 am

Thanks for the advice. I have also posted a few more under the poetry section.
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